Duo is NOT a Frying Pan
by Wufei aka Em
Summary: rated for my occasional language, although i'm not sure how much i swore... not a lot... this is a collection of what each of the guys is not...r&r please Chapter 8 UP!
1. Duo is NOT a frying pan!

Title: Duo is NOT a Frying Pan!  
  
Disclaimer: *pulls pockets out*   
  
Dustball: *falls out coughing*  
  
Em: Do I look like I own GW????   
  
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Duo, is not a frying pan. The title clearly states that. I'm sure that several people would agree with me right away, just as they would agree that Heero is not toast. Sadly, some others may disagree with me on that topic. Therefore, I shall have to tell you now, why Duo is not a frying pan.  
  
First of all, have you ever seen a frying pan with a 3 foot long braid??? Sure, frying pans have handles, but they aren't 3 feet long. That would just be odd. I've NEVER seen a frying pan with a handle that long.  
  
Secondly, frying pans do not have a tendency to burn down the kitchen when they cook stuff. Duo is gifted with the ability to destroy a kitchen making toast. That would be why Quatre allows frying pans in the kitchen but not Duo.  
  
Another point I must make is that I have never seen a frying pan piloting a gundam. It would be very difficult because they have no hands, and they cannot talk. Duo, is a pretty handy guy to have around if you need a gundam piloted or something of the sort. I don't think anyone would let a frying pan near their gundams in the middle of a war... unless they were going to cook something in them.  
  
Duo is not made of metal, and does not have Teflon on his stomach or something to prevent him from burning the food and destroying himself. He might wear bulletproof vests or something on occasion, but I don't expect to see him using that to cook on, I don't believe it would work extremely well.  
  
Frying pans do not have any hair whatsoever. Unless you are extremely psychotic and have decided that you need a frying pan that looks like Duo and put yarn hair on it then you would not see a frying pan with hair. They aren't manufactured with hair on them. Duo, on the other hand, comes with hair. As aforementioned he has a braid of extreme length, and bangs. My frying pans don't have bangs. Do yours?  
  
Duo is also known as Shinigami, or the god of death. I haven't ever considered calling a frying pan Shinigami, nor do I think even for a second that you have. Strangely enough, it doesn't strike me as a thing people would do. Especially smart people like us...  
  
So there you have it. The main reasons why Duo Maxwell is not a frying pan Hopefully you are now educated enough that you may tell others why our dearest Duo is not a frying pan. Tune in next time for Heero is NOT Mashed Potatoes!  
  
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Well, did you like??? Please review, as they make me happy and make me want to update faster! Ja Ne!  
  
~Em 


	2. Heero is NOT Mashed Potatoes!

Title: Heero is NOT Mashed Potatoes!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. I think you know that by now, thanky very much!  
  
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Now, faithful readers, I shall tell you why Heero is not mashed potatoes!  
  
Obviously, they look VERY dissimilar. Heero is not pale and mushy with little clumps of potato sticking out at random that show up to gross you out. At least... I don't think... so...  
  
Mashed potatoes do not have brown spiky hair that is not humanly possible to recreate. Speaking of which... does Heero even ever wash his hair? I mean, it always looks the same, and it would be hard to make his hair look the same all the time...   
  
Mashed potatoes taste good with butter and gravy. (Leave the people who like their food extra fatty and heart blocking alone...) I don't know what Heero would taste like if someone poured melted butter and gravy on him and attempted to lick it off. I wouldn't try it though. It would probably end with you being shot or horribly maimed...  
  
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but my mashed potatoes have never whipped out a gun from God-knows-where and shouted omae o korusu at me. Have yours??? Heero probably would if somebody tried to mash him, or if he just had to meet me... but mashed potatoes are definitely a different story, they have a bit more self control with firearms.  
  
Heero has a strange problem with sharing his emotions. Mashed potatoes do not. If they are feeling edible then they look creamy and yummy. If they are feeling inedible then they look lumpy with bits of peel sticking out randomly, which in my opinion is very gross. If Heero was that simple I think that everybody would like him!  
  
Again, correct me if I am somewhat mistaken, but mashed potatoes do not wear spandex shorts. I for one would be somewhat terrified if I saw potatoes wearing spandex shorts running around and randomly shooting people. Heero seems to enjoy wearing spandex which is somewhat creepy, because guys should not like such tight clothing.  
  
Well, those are all of the reasons that I could think of as to why Heero is not mashed potatoes. I am sure there are more, but I think I have made my pointless point quite well with the all the pointless things I have given to you!  
  
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Hm...what shall I say... !REVIEW! Because you love me!   
  
Tune in next time for Quatre is NOT and Icky Little Spider!  
  
Ja Ne  
  
~Em 


	3. Quatre is NOT an Icky Little Spider!

Title: Quatre is NOT an Icky Little Spider!  
  
Disclaimer: Do I own Gundam Wing?  
  
Is Heero mashed potatoes?  
  
There's your answer. (If you said yes you need to read chapter 2 or seek professional mental help. ^^)  
  
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Well friends, now you will learn why Quatre is not an icky little spider. He is not a large on either, but that is aside from my point. I'm not saying you ever thought he was, but still, I need to remind you at this point that I have no life, French class is boring as watching grass grow and watching paint dry and slowly chipping off of the wall... so therefore it is ok that I write stupid pointless things that drive others crazy!  
  
Quatre does not look like a spider. He does not have eight legs that I am aware of, not does he only have two body parts (thorax and abdomen...). He has a head, a body, two arms and two legs like any other normal human being. (We will not go into specifics today, I am not a human anatomy teacher, nor do I plan to become one.)  
  
There are about 5000 different species of spiders. (do not be angry with me for my poor research skills, I am supposed to be doing some stupid Charlie Chaplin speech thingy for English... forget that... Anywho...) There is only one species of Quatre. I haven't seen 5000 different variations of Quatre floating around. I haven't seen any other Quatre's at all truthfully.  
  
Spiders are far to small to pilot gundams. Quatre might be short, but he can still pilot a gundam quite well. I wouldn't want to see frying pans, mashed potatoes, spiders, or any other strange things attempting to pilot gundams. It wouldn't work and we would all be rather out of luck.   
  
Quatre can not spin a web. First of all, I have no clue where the silk would come from, and I don't really want to know... and secondly it is not humanly possible to do such a thing. It would be rather scary to see Quatre on the ceiling of his room in the corner trying to spin a large web... I know I would be frightened.  
  
Another thing, Quatre doesn't eat flies, or any other bugs/insects that I know of. Maybe he did when he was a small child, but most little boys do, that's nothing out of the ordinary. And he certainly does not catch them in a web, poison them, wrap them up in their own little cocoon-like structure and then slurp up their insides. Spiders do, and that is just plain gross.  
  
If I am mistaken, please tell me, but most people do not like spiders very much, but seem to like Quatre quite a bit. If you do and don't in respective order, then you are a strange person. Quatre is cool, spiders are not. Tarantulas are another matter, but they don't count, they are of the larger variety of arachnids, which I don't mind as much because they aren't small and ooky and hard to see until they're really close to you and are ready to bite you, or land in your hair, or crawl up your nose...(*convulsively shudders* Yuck...)  
  
Those are my legitimate reasons why Quatre is not a spider. If you wish to contradict me you will have to write your own reasons why he is one. Or if you plan to review, you may tell me then! ^^  
  
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Well, you heard me. !!!!REVIEW!!!! Please. And you can contradict me all you want. If you're really bored think of a creative flame that I can roast my school books with! Thanky!  
  
~Em 


	4. Trowa is NOT Yogurt!

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. I am extremely poor. Don't sue me.  
  
Title: Trowa is NOT Yogurt!  
  
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HEY! Tis me again! Now I shall have to tell you of the non-yogurt-ee qualities of Trowa Barton. Maybe he's yogurt, maybe he isn't. You'll have to decide for yourself!   
  
First of all, yogurt doesn't have a unibang. If I saw yogurt with a unibang I would be scared. If you drew a unibang on your yogurt container, it might resemble Trowa, but it could never truly be him.   
  
Next, I haven't seen yogurt flip through the air doing all sorts of cool acrobatics. It would be cool, but I believe I would be scared out of my mind... and I wouldn't have any yogurt left because it would all fall out of the container if the lid was off.  
  
Speaking of which, Trowa doesn't have a lid. And he is not that weird yogurt-ee shape... cylindrical and conical at the same time (Damn... that geometry unit in math IS coming in handy... T-T I hate school.) Anywho... only yogurt looks the way it does; Trowa looks like a guy... with muscles... And the lid thing, yogurt has either a plastic (the big containers) or a material resembling tin foil (for the little small size ones), Trowa does not.  
  
Trowa does not come in a tube. He might come in a gundam if you pissed him off enough... or a mobile suit... or you know... stuff... yogurt does come in a tube. It's strange. My baby sister seems to like it though... *shrugs* hm.  
  
Trowa doesn't come in tons of different yummy flavors. (Mmm... black cherry... *drools*) I don't truly know what flavor Trowa is, but that's not important, he's not cherry or raspberry or peachy or anything else considered yummy.  
  
If we ate Trowa it would be considered canniballism. When we eat yogurt, however, it is brushed off as ok... if that's not strange I don't know what is. THE FRUITS USED IN YOGURT HAVE FEELINGS TOO!!! DO YOU THINK THEY DON'T CARE THAT THEY ARE BEING EATEN???? *clears throat* Anyhow.   
  
I hope these reasons are enough to convince you that Trowa is not yogurt! If you still are not convinced... if you weren't in the beginning at least... then I'm just going to have to recommend you to my therapist. She's working wonders with me!  
  
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I'm sorry that took so long to get up, my internet has been a HUGE pain in the neck lately and I've been suffering from the evils of writers block. That has to be the saddest thing ever! Anywho, hope you liked it, and I hope you're enjoying your summer!  
  
Tune in next time for Wufei is NOT a Gummi Bear!  
  
Ja,  
  
Em 


	5. Wufei is NOT a Gummi Bear!

Title: Wufei is NOT a Gummi Bear!  
  
Disclaimer: As much as I'd like it, Em Does NOT Own GW!   
  
Now that we've got that out of the way...  
  
I frown upon the lack of reviews... it makes me feel unloved... this is probably the last chappie unless i have a request for more.   
  
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OK! So Relwarc... you don't think that Wufei is not a gummi bear? That thinking must stop now!  
  
First of all Wufei is a normal human being... we hope... and gummi bears are... not. Gummi bears are made out of like ten different kinds of sugar, food coloring... artificial flavoring... and, well, you get the point, ne?  
  
Gummi bears do not put up a fight when you rip off their little gummi heads and little gummi arms and legs... I'm led to believe that if you tried to do something of the sort to Wufei, you would probably be in the hospital for an extended vacation... or something like that.  
  
Did you know that you can melt gummi bears in a microwave? It's rather interesting... However, in my professional...er ... whatever... opinion I don't think that Wufei put up with being stuck in a microwave, and even if you got him into a microwave, the fact still remains that he would not melt into a yummy gelatinous substance considered edible by normal human beings.  
  
Okies! Gummi bears come in five or six different colors... I haven't bought a package in God knows how long so I couldn't tell you for sure. All that I really know is that Wufei comes in one color... WUFEI!!! *giggles insanely* I suppose if you dyed his hair pink or orange or whatever his hair might look a little like gummi bears... but that would be the extent of it. Sadly, all of you people who might think Wufei is a gummi bear ARE DEAD WRONG!!!  
  
I really haven't got too many more points to point out to you persons who need things that are pointless to be pointed out in a pointy but not pointed way...  
  
Um... yeah, I think I'm done.  
  
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I'm sorry, that was pretty short by my standards... and if you don't think I made a very good point feel free to tell me that. It won't hurt my feeling. I think...  
  
Anywho... please review... it makes me happy...  
  
JA!  
  
~EM 


	6. Zechs is NOT a Raccoon!

Zechs is Not a Raccoon!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own GW. I am poor. I should think we all know this by now. If I owned GW I would be the happiest person in the world. But I don't so I can't do much about it.  
  
PS: *huggles all reviewers* I knew you could do it! Thankies! Here's another for ya!  
  
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HI! Ok, I suppose it may seem rather pointless to many people to explain in a rather pointless way that Zechs is not a raccoon. There are a few reasons that I have thought of, and I am sure that by the time I have finished writing this to share with you, I will have thought of some more, rather pointless, but still amusing (at least in my mind), reasons that Zechs is not a raccoon. Thankies, and let us continue!  
  
First of all, although both Zechs and a raccoon both have a sort of mask, this does not necessarily mean that Zechs is, in fact, a raccoon. Zechs' mask is a shade of blue, whereas a raccoons is black.  
  
Raccoons are animals, (Gods, I almost wrote aminals... think of the scandal... *giggles*) and very odd little bushy tailed animals at that. I don't think that Zechs has a tail... or grey fur growing all over his body... or anything else even close to resembling a raccoon. HE JUST DOESN'T LOOK LIKE ONE OKAY?!?!?!?!?!?!? *blinkies*  
  
Zechs pilots a gundam. I think. (Please correct me if I'm wrong... I know almost nothing about him... isn't that sad.... ) Anywho... I don't believe a raccoon could pilot a gundam... unless it was like The Super Raccoon From Hell or something... but that doesn't mean that Zechs is a raccoon, just that The Super Raccoon From Hell could attempt to impersonate Zechs...  
  
Hrm... what else... I KNOW! Okies! Raccoons tend to wash their food off in fast running water like a river of some sort. I don't know too much about Zechs' eating habits... but personally I don't believe that he would wash his food off himself in a river... (Are there even rivers on the colonies and in space?? I dunno...)  
  
Ladeedadeeda... (the authoresses mind has now gone on vacation... the computer shall now continue where she left off)  
  
(The computer has now self destructed, we apologize for any inconveniences that this may cause for you.)  
  
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In other words... I ran out of ideas...  
  
GOMEN!!!  
  
Um... anywho... all of us here in my mind hope you liked it... so ya... tune in next time for what Relena is not.... which just might be 'someone I like' teehee...  
  
Please review! It makes me happy! ^o^  
  
Ja!  
  
~Em 


	7. Relena is NOT Human!

Disclaimer: I have no life and no money... do you think I really own GW??? I DON'T!!! T-T Maybe I'll get it for Christmas.....  
  
Okay, well, it's been a while, gomen nasai, I am useless.... and lazy... and incredibly busy for someone with no life sometimes.... but, no excuses, I am writing this chapter now RIGHT?!? ^-^ Ok.... on with the oddness... sorry for the long wait if you decided to care... ^^'  
  
Warning to people that care: SLIGHT *please note that I really mean a LOT of: Relena and Anzu (Tea) bashing.... I'm sorry; I irrationally hate the both of them...  
  
Title: Relena is NOT Human  
  
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Ok, these are my reasons why Relena is not human... I like most humans... other than some people who know who they are... *cough* SARAH (sister .) *cough* (that child is SATAN!!!!!!) I hate Relena a great deal, and for no particular reason either... *shrug* Wow, look at all of my pointlessness....   
  
Relena may not show it, but behind those 40 caked on layers of concealer she has very neon purple skin... I swear... sort of... How is it that she never has pimples... she must either use a helluva lot of concealer (as aforementioned) or she's really lucky... OR SHE'S A WITCH! BURN HER!! I mean... SHE'S AN ALIEN! BURN HER!!! And the ship she flew in on...  
  
So, how does one know when a person is an alien... they have neon purple skin, have brothers that wear masks a lot because they can't use concealer because it's a men thing... and the are super annoying and should be killed! Personally I think all of these apply to Relena, I think she should die... DIE!!! Her and Anzu (GOD I HATE HER!!!!!!! . KILL HER!!!!)  
  
Um... I don't really have too much to say on the subject... just so y'all don't feel... like I cheated... I suppose you could say... I'm gonna put another short pointless thing in here... okies?? ^-^  
  
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Why Certain Girls From GW Should DIE!!!  
  
Relena: Because I absolutely hate and can't stand her... she's just annoying and stupid AND I DON'T LIKE HER!!!  
  
Sally Po: Because she's trying to steal Wufei from me and she pisses me off and she's too old for him and she should DIE!!! But she has cool hair...   
  
Catherine: Um... I don't have any reasons... she hasn't done anything to seriously annoy me that I know of... it's only when people pair her and Trowa... EWWWW!!!!!!!!! He's her brother you retards! GET A GRIP!!! ARGH!!!  
  
Hilde: No reason... All you Duo fangirls can kill her... just for the hell of it if you want to...   
  
Noin: Because her name isn't right... it's said like neun, which is 9 in German right... but it's not spelt that way... it drives me nuts!! NUTTIER!!! It's not fair... I'm insane enough on my own, SHEESH!!!  
  
Dorothy Catalonia: HER FUCKING EYEBROWS!!! OH MY GOD!! Has she heard of waxing??? It's a relatively painless procedure that would cure her of those frikken monsters! GOD! It drives me insaner! I can't stand it! *twitches*  
  
Mariemaia: I just don't like her. She's a spoiled little brat who wants to take over the world. AND SHE DIDN'T KILL RELENA!! ARGH!!!  
  
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Well, that's all for today on this one... unless I feel less lazy and get a sudden inspiration... but we all know how likely that is... so... I hope that I didn't bore you too much...  
  
Em signing off! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone! ^-^ 


	8. Hilde is NOT a Snowman!

Happy Today! It's been forever since I've updated and we all know it! I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for my lack of activity on ffnet as well as my really odd rant chapter. That was just to get rid of frustrations that I still have. --  
  
Anyhow... I suppose I should get on with the chapter... I've kept you waiting long enough... (as though anyone really cares...)  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Cute Anime Kitty because she suggested the idea and it's the only thing that's working for me at this point. - Enjoy!

Hilde is NOT a Snowman  
  
Well, welcome back to Em's lovely insane world of why people aren't what they aren't! There are of course, many reasons why Hilde is not a snowman. IF I leave any out, feel free to let me know, because I know I'm not the brightest crayon in the box... I'm more like the brown in the neon's box... sigh  
  
First of all, for Hilde to be a snow'man' she would have to be male. Now I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure Hilde is female... I mean, there's the name... and the breasts... ...o.O  
  
Secondly, snowmen do not have hair. I guess you could give them a toupee, but that just wouldn't look as lovely as Hilde's pretty purplish hair. Not to mention I've never seen any purplish toupee's.   
  
In my opinion, Hilde really isn't round enough to be a snowman; she's not made out of three round little balls of snow. If she's human I'm pretty sure she's made of all that fleshy stuff and bones and whatnot.  
  
SHE HAS A PULSE!!! She's alive. She breathes. Snowmen are inanimate. So are mashed potatoes and gummi bears but we're not complaining, they're edible. Snow, as long as it's not yellow or some other colour not resulting from the explicit use of food colouring, can be eaten, although we wouldn't recommend it. I wouldn't recommend you attempting to eat Hilde either. That just wouldn't be smart.  
  
So there you have it, undeniable proof that Hilde is not a snowman. If you find you have a bone to pick with me, the omnipotent authoress, proceed to the little blue button and fire away!

End Chapter 8

No really, feel no shame about hitting that little button that says GO! I love reviews! They make me happy! And think of the torture my poor freezing fingers endured in my really cold basement for a whole ...half hour-ish while I typed this up for you! I didn't have to... I could have let the story ROT! LONGER! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anyhow, I think I'll follow dear Amonae's advice and attempt to type my other fics Hotel California (an almost songfic but not quite) and Dangerous Games (YUGIOH!!!). So if you feel so inclined keep an eye out for them and make me happy!  
  
If I get more suggestions from people they can have a chapter dedicated to them and maybe some cherry pie! drools Mmmm... pie...  
  
Ja ne! 


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